cards. the gratifying leverage and contorted manipulation we need to remain sensible, sound and sane. some play ‘em well, others don’t. a gifted curse that makes us inevitably clever and challengingly intriguing than the next guy or gal around. these cards you speak of — do they prevail to be tantamount to our bad habits? perhaps even provoke a volatile elasticity one may sticker as mind games?

ah, mind games. building not bridges, but a 4×4 of monochromatic inquisition of clouded judgment. breaking not barriers, but our second sight, our sixth sense. a mere “fuck around” with every syllable, every thought, every thrust. but we do what we gotta do at the end of the day, eh? still and all, we’re saintless hustlers trying to stay on top of our shit.

either way, they die hard and cost us. you know… these bad habits of ours. but there’s a certain way, a certain measure of thinking that wolfs away our mental strength for what’s to come.

march 2013

after my 10 month theory was attested, another 10 were worn for trial-and-error. mercurial behavior and deranged episodes became my tuesday. no, not your taco tuesday. just tuesday. 

shadows surreptitiously declaring thoughts, terrorizing my head, dividing and conquering my existence. to say nothing ever was the same would be a tale told one too many times.

you are not any less, nor is your journey m’darling. the difference lied with how it was handled it. the difference lied with how it was perceived.

eventually, you get tired of hosting your own pity parties. feeling sad every now and then was okay. feeling sad every now and then is okay. and whoever tells you otherwise is one moronic ass, i tell you. but it becomes jeopardous when it begins to magnify your misfortune. sinking into the shallow hollows of your charcoal waters, yielding the equilibrium of your emotional roller coasters.

why do these things happen to me?”

you take a few steps back and all of a sudden, we become cognizant of our surroundings. we think other people can control us; how we endure, how we react, how we implement. we apologetically give away our power. we don’t have to conform to the societal norm, but we choose to — for whatever reason that may be. It’s an understated choice we make. 

bad habits.

one simply can’t afford to not give them up. ‘cause sooner or later, the peril and pearl we call life will catch up with us and make a debut, where you will need all the mental strength that you can muster — whether you’re ready or not. the good habits won’t be enough. after all, they never were. the one or two “good” habits you have meticulously chosen to inculcate in your life won’t salvage you. it’ll take one or two habits to really hold you back. not today, not tonight. not tomorrow, not ever.

the invisible blueprint of prefacing mental strength is torpedoing [your] bad mental habits.

simple, not easy. there’s a difference, m’dear.

no matter how often it happens, it will hold you back and you won’t like it one bit.

mind games? mind discipline.

feeling sad every now and then is okay. so is wanting to punch walls and break lamps and shatter mirrors. swallowing every sip of your tears, find pleasure in its bittersweet salty aftertaste lie on the very tip of your buds.

escape — many have tried, many have failed. because at that point, it becomes raw and real and relevant. it’s like hosting a pity party. [and] although it becomes to be a temporary distraction, it only prolongs pain.

the only way to deal with those uncomfortable feelings is by going through them. strength is a mere stranger if not yet acquainted with pain. embrace that in THAT very moment, you card your emotions and you feel this way. to let yourself feel sad… and move on; to gain confidence in your ability to deal with that discomfort.

other people, eh? just like mastering the art of chai, south asians brazenly polish this impeccably. you are not her, he is not you. he is not above you, she is not below you. we think we can control how they feel or how they behave. or we blame them for holding us back. but in reality… it’s our choices that do that. coming to terms and accepting that you are you and they are them and there is absolutely nothing that can change that. be better, do better. it’s written in the stars and stamped in the skies. light ceases tonight and every night.

unhealthy habits come from the world because we want the world to be fair. we want life to be good to us. we want to think that if we devote enough time and fortitude and intentions in the good that we do, maybe… just maybe, enough good things will happen to us. or if we tough out enough bad times, the universe owes us something in return for our diligence.

accepting life isn’t fair can be liberating.

you won’t necessarily be rewarded for the good [you do], but no matter how many seconds and minutes and days of suffering you have endured, you are not doomed to keep suffering. the universe doesn’t work that way. it is what you make it. before evolution of the world, lies evolution of the mind. and you, only you… are in control of that. 

so aisha, do not forget to go after what you want with every fiber of your being. the angst in your veins will surge. the zeal in your mind will dissipate. the gaps in your heart will fasten. i don’t know what tomorrow holds for you, but what i do know is that you will try harder to be better. better than the girl yesterday. you have battled with things inside of you longer than you know. what they are and why they are there… that, i don’t know of. you will have trouble making it through the day. some days will be better than others. some days will feel like shit, others — you won’t give one. everything you deserve will be yours, be patient. don’t be satisfied with tales and how things have gone with others. unfold your own myth.

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